The best drink aptronym

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This mule wants to know how you harvested its sweat…

It’s true, most drink names are quite clearly aptronyms. For instance, water is actually water, orange juice is definitely the juice of an orange and a Moscow Mule is the sweat of a Russian donkey-horse hybrid.

Some might even say they aren’t aptronyms, they’re just names, I’d probably agree. However, sometimes drinks have different, unclear names which don’t betray anything about what’s in the drink or how you will feel when you drink it.

Take Fanta, what even is Fanta?! Do I feel better when I drink Fanta? Will I become a Fanta if I drink enough? Is it some weird shortening of fantasy the cool kids are trying to bring in? No-one knows! It just tastes of a fruit mixed with fizz.

But there is a drink whose name tells you little of how it will taste but belies how you will feel when you’re drinking it. It’s called Looza.

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Looza comes in two magical flavours: orange and apple, and can be sold basically nowhere.

Don’t get me wrong, it does taste very nice. It boasts of being 100% juice, which is the way I love my juice to be, but sometimes that just isn’t enough to get over the embarrassment of being a 25 year old drinking apple juice in a bar whilst my friend sips on their gin and tonic. You don’t feel cool.

The humiliation doesn’t end there unfortunately. In one bottle of Looza you get about 250ml of top notch juice but you pay £2 for the privilege.

This feels like a high price to pay for a tiny amount of liquid. Once again you feel like a bit of a Looza for spending so much on a quarter of a proper carton of apple juice which would cost half the price.

Despite all of this, Looza has quite a fun website (if you can speak Flemish) and it didn’t taste half bad.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you if you feel silly drinking it though.

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