The best way to feel really quite fat

Don't let his smile fool you, he is trying to destroy you.

Don’t let his smile fool you, he is trying to destroy you.

Look I know it’s the new year and you probably don’t want to feel bad about yourself right now.

But that doesn’t change the fact that I’ve got a really effective way to make you feel like a bit of a heffalump. Or at least that you’re on the journey to becoming really quite weighty.

And when I find something that is good – even if it is good at doing a bad thing – I like to share it with you all.

So the best way to feel fat today is simple: measure everything you eat in slices of toast.

Like if you wanted to eat a healthy snack like a muller corner yoghurt – it’s got fruit in – it’s made of yoghurt which is like healthy ice cream – it feels good.

But actually one little yoghurt is equivalent to almost  2 pieces of toast.

muller corner

And if you added like a can of beans to two pieces of toast, that would be a meal – I would eat that for dinner.

If you go out for a meal, say to Pizza Express, and you get the healthy option because it’s January and you’re being disciplined… Well that will cost you 630 calories or as I like to call it – 7 pieces of toast.

Should have just stayed home and eaten a bucket of toast

Should have just stayed home and eaten a bucket of toast

It all gets quite depressing quite quickly – you should be able to trust salad.

But let’s imagine you just want a night in and you don’t want the hassle of cooking anything difficult. So you buy yourself a pizza from the supermarket. You go for a regular size but you treat yourself to a stuffed crust.

The nutrition information suggest you just eat half but you eat the whole thing because it’s weird to leave a lonely half of pizza.

Welcome to calorie land – you have just eaten 17 pieces of toast.


And if you want to feel even worse about yourself just know that a large glass of wine will easily equate to 2 slices of toast – it might be pushing 3. A pint of beer will do the same.

So if you ever sit down with a pizza and a large glass of wine, beer or even something like coke – you may as well be eating your way through a whole loaf of bread.

A whole loaf.

The truth is one slice of toast equals 87 calories – which really isn’t very much. The reason toast feels less healthy is that it is a great vehicle for limitless amounts of delicious, high calorie spreads – and it has very little nutritional value.

On it’s own it’s pretty low calorie though.

But if you want some motivation to stick to your diet forget about that and just start picturing the toast equivalent of what you’re eating.

Or you could maybe imagine how good you would be in a toast-eating contest… you would eat it quicker than they could toast it.