The best new way to play football


This is Suarez, world class biter

Football is the sport of the world: a huge number of countries play it and it draws a worldwide audience.

Just to clarify, I’m not talking about American football, whose name makes next to no sense and no other countries care about it until the Superbowl comes round and they want to know about the adverts. I’m talking about the original, football football, the one you play with your feet.

It’s a very old game and dates back hundreds of years. Cavemen used to play it with particularly round rocks for balls and bear caves for goals. The loser was the first person to get eaten by a bear. Therefore, after all these years, it could really do with a revamp.

Which is why I propose Zorb football, the game of champions, to supersede old fashioned football.

Zorb football

You do look a little bit ridiculous…

The premise of the game is simple: you play football as normal but the upper half of your body is stuck in a reinforced bubble. The game is full contact and it’s your prerogative to knock the opposition down.

Surprisingly, this sport is incredibly tiring. Taking hits, getting back up, running around and being stuck in a large, spherical greenhouse really takes it out of you. It’s certainly more tiring than regular football.

It’s also hilarious to watch your friends go flying after taking a big hit.

Zorb gif


Despite the long list of positives for this game, it’s not all peachy. There is very little skill involved. Ideally, you aren’t in possession of the ball because you will immediately be taken out. The tactic I liked to play was run towards the ball and ignore it. Instead, ram my Zorb in to the opposition and watch them go flying.

This game greatly benefits the heavy and those with a low centre of gravity because they are difficult to knock over – you can send yourself flying after charging into them if you’re not careful – so I’m recommending this game is taken up by Sumo-wrestlers.

Zorb gif 2

Like an absolute boss

As a game, it has a lot of laughs and very few injuries (you’re basically bubble wrapped) which is why I think the professionals should play it. I sincerely hope there is a league of some kind for teams in Zorb football. I’d like to sit down and discuss strategies. I know it would be a worthwhile use of my time…