Dear Scotland… I’m glad you stayed

excellent Scotland

This seems like the most perfect place to bag pipe


Dear Scotland,

I’m not going to pretend that I wasn’t ready to write a letter to France today. If you’d said yes to independence I would be talking to them right now – complementing their croissants and asking if they would fill the big hole in the United Kingdom. I’d tell them to bring their fine selection of cheeses.

I actually think British cheddar is the best sort of cheese and French ones sort of smell a bit too much like feet… I just know that the French like it when people talk up their food.

But Scotland, I’m glad you stayed.

Probably the only thing stopping you from fully hating the English is that we’re sort of the same country. I wouldn’t want to lose that last line of defence. Nobody wants to punch themselves in the face and I find that comforting.

But I feel like England and Scotland aren’t really enemies any more… we’re more like lame cousins. We meet up for Christmas but you laugh at our fancy accents and… well probably almost everything about us – and we don’t quite understand your square sausages and your money with weird pictures on it.

Why do you have three different £10 notes? That just seems like extra work.

But Scotland, I’m glad you stayed.

And I bet you’re glad you stayed too. Because now you don’t have to get new passports, figure out a currency and start negotiating who gets to keep what in the world’s biggest divorce.

Hey Scotland, I was also pretty worried that the minute you voted yes, Putin would appear and start invading you. That’s just his style and I’m glad he can’t do that now.

Because we’re bigger when we’re together. This island is pretty small anyway so I’m glad we’re not cutting it in half.

I know you didn’t vote overwhelmingly – 45% of you still wanted to leave. But that’s classic Scotland – it just wouldn’t be right if you were really positive about the English. We would feel like that was a trap.

But I’m glad you stayed, Scotland.

Because I wouldn’t want to lose my weirdest cousin.



P.S. Do you know what the best thing about the end of the independence campaign is?

It’s that I never have to see a picture like this again…


They will haunt your nightmares.

At 1.06 every night, they will haunt your nightmares.


Happy double-post Friday, everybody.