The best way to deal with airport security gloom


I’m a serial bleeper. Every time I go through those devious archways of death, I get bleeped.

And we all know what follows that… a good old fashioned frisking. I imagine lonely people might deliberately keep a few coins in their pockets – just to feel some human contact.

Although it’s weird to be patted down, it’s not really all the touching that offends me.

I just struggle with all the negative vibes – no one is trustworthy, everyone could be a terrorist – it’s a safe way of thinking but it’s not happy. I don’t have any alternative suggestions – I’m just saying it’s a bit awkward and not at all fun.

No other situations force me to join a queue, put all my metal in a tray, and walk towards some serious-looking strangers. If the detector beeps then I get patted a lot and someone might rummage through my bag.

It’s not super fun and I always get that “I’m being told off” feeling. It feels like detention but without the bad behaviour preceding it.

And all the normal social rules about privacy and touching go out the window


pelican eating pelican

Excuse me you’re invading my personal space…

So I’ve come up with a way of getting rid of those bad vibes. A way to make airport security a little more fun and little less funeral procession.

My plan is simple really…

All you have to do is dress like Will Smith in the Fresh Prince.


Will Smith Fresh Prince

How can you be sad when this guy is around?

In this ensemble, you can brighten any room – but it’s particularly powerful in an airport.

It very much says “I’m going on holiday” but more importantly it makes people think about other things.

It takes the mind away from bombs and liquids and weapons and gets everyone thinking about happier things – like how you look like an idiot.

If you got bleeped in bright clothes the security guards would think:

Whose turn is it to frisk this crazy person in the funny clothes?

Rather than:

Whose turn is it to eliminate this potential threat?

I know which way I’d rather be described – I think wacky is better than potentially dangerous.

It also reminds people that the world can be a fun place. I forget that when I’m in those dreary security queues.

But really the main reason in favour of this airport security gloom-reduction technique is that I really like dressing in Fresh Prince style clothes and I don’t get enough opportunities.