The best time to hit your peak
Athletes hit their peak in their mid to late 20s. Apparently the best age to write a best selling novel is when you’re 50 and a half.
That strikes me as odd because no one who is 50 even counts the halves anymore. I stopped doing that when I was nine.
I’m going to tell you about the time I hit my peak as a person. But I’m a bit hesitant. It’s embarrassing really.
But I’ll do it anyway because I don’t have anything else to say today…
Years of listening to various boring primary school lessons had given me some time. These hour long lectures gave me time to do something other than learn about the Egyptians or river beds.
Being a young student, probably aged ten, I felt like it was important to invest in the ability to replicate bodily functions. I already knew how to burp on command but I didn’t really do that anymore because someone told me it can give you cancer.
They were probably lying to me.
I knew full well that farting for real could be embarrassing, but I also knew that mimicking the sound of a fart was unbelievably cool. People would blow raspberries (is that seriously what those things are called?) and everyone would laugh.
I’d seen that when people have wet hands they can make slippery fart sounds. This intrigued me but it wasn’t impressive enough. And what if there was no water supply around? How would I find a towel afterwards?
There were too many questions.
I needed a dry solution – and I got it. You might even say that I perfected it.
Yes, using only my hands and the mysterious power of pushing air in and out of my clasped palms, I can now make fart sounds. It took a fair amount of practice but I’ve never forgotten how to do it.
No one else in my primary school could do it as well as me. Some could do cheap imitations but I was the best one.
I’ve never been the best at anything since – there’s always another level where people are just better…
If you don’t believe I had this talent, well maybe one day I’ll show you.
And If you’re wondering when the best time to hit your peak is, well the answer is simple. Not in primary school… not like that.
If you really want to be able to do this, the picture below links to the WikiHow. I don’t agree with step one though. Or really any of the steps because there is no reason you should learn this skill as an adult!