The 5 best ways to rescue this Valentine’s day

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Something had gone terribly wrong. Like maybe you got creative and tried to invent the hand sandwich and ending up biting your finger off. Or perhaps you got your girlfriend a pet rat which then died before she opened it. So now she thinks you got her a dead rat for valentine’s day – what sort of present is that?

Others of you might have sent a valentines day card that looked something like this:

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I’m a big fan of this. I like it when a metaphor doesn’t make sense really.

That sort of card probably wouldn’t go down so well. But check out theoatmeal.com for more horrifying but quite entertaining cards that will fail for you on valentines day. I like the cockroach one.

My point in all this is that sometimes valentines preparations don’t go so well. Maybe the most likely situation is that your current gift/card combo is at serious risk of being underwhelming. And underwhelmed is probably not the emotion you were after…

Well if any of the above situations sound a bit like familiar – you need some help.

And right on time, here are the 5 best ways to rescue this valentines day.

1. Write and perform a song

Sometimes writing a song can be the most romantic thing in the world. Other times you can do it on the bus home from work with minimal effort. I’m willing to bet that your partner won’t be able to tell the difference.

Especially if you can play an instrument or secure some generic karaoke backing music. Sing about flowers and the wind and how you feel when you wake up and look at stuff.

The most important thing is that you show you’re a bit nervous – that will make it seem a whole lot more realistically. Because no one is going to shout you down if you put your heart and soul into a performance. Even if you did just write some lyrics on the bus and perform them to the tune of I believe I can fly.

2. Make some food

Stop by the shop on the way home. Then make some of these no bake presents – some of them take just a few minutes. Get your game face on and get them made…

3. Tidy the house. Tidy yourself.

A sure fire way to ruin the romance would be to cover everything in crumbs from last week’s meals. No one wants that. So if you’re at home tonight, make sure you’ve vaccumed, de-cluttered and wiped all the surfaces. It’s basic but it’s important.

Also tidy yourself – I’m speaking to the men here I think. Make sure you’ve showered and smell more like person than a cow. Make your hair look like nice hair. Wear clothes that aren’t for exercising or sleeping in. That will probably be enough…

If you look like this, you've gone too far.

If you look like this, you’ve gone way too far.

4. Up your anecdote game

Sure your present might be crappy, the flowers you bought might be going brown but if you can get your conversation right – well you can still save the day. Firstly stop all your whining – save it for that blog you write anonymously about feelings. Focus on the positives of your day and ask lots of questions.

Also learn some anecdotes. Best Things is full of almost useful conversation starters. You could talk about this unexpected solution to all the flooding, this weird game about a pooing dog or even the time when Australia went to war with some emus and sort of lost.

Everyone loves a good anecdote. But be careful – don’t be that guy who knows all the trivia and facts about porridge. I don’t like that guy.

5. Chill out

I don’t know how badly your valentines day has gone so far but I imagine there’s still a ray of hope at least. Just make the best of it from here on out.

That might mean apologising for your crappy present but writing a really nice message for your partner.

Or it might mean calling up a few friends and having a good time not being romantic.

Or it might just mean ordering a fancy pizza from dominoes and wearing your finest underwear while you sit and watch TV.

The truth is we don’t care too much about what you do today – just make sure it’s a best thing.

And then write a guest post about it maybe…

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