The best way to pick the perfect partner

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Pick a partner before he picks you…

Fairytales from the brothers Grimm are full of useful messages. Cinderella taught us the value of having a very specific shoe size while Rapunzel showed that keeping your hair in good condition is essential for a happy life.

But what can be gleaned from the stories that haven’t been picked up by disney?

Well let me tell you – there’s a huge bucket full of glorious morals and information. The best and most practical advice comes in the story ‘Choosing a bride’. It’s about one lonely shepherd’s search for his perfect partner. Let’s call this man Larry, because I’m a big fan of that name at the minute.

Larry actually had three women in his life that he just couldn’t choose between. He wanted a wife but he loved them all equally – like a romantic communist.

**SPOILER ALERT** This is the last line of the story:

This he did, and lived contentedly and happily with her.

What did he do?  Some glorious action led to massive contentment and happiness and, given the nature of fairytale endings, we can assume it lasted a lifetime.

That’s what we need in our lives. So let me reveal the secret to choosing the perfect partner.

Actually it’s really simple. Larry went to his mum for advice and she suggested using the cheese test.

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Oh great universe, reveal the secrets of the cheese test to me.

He knew he really liked all three girls – in terms of attractiveness, wit, personality – it all balanced out in the end. There was nothing to call it. So Larry, with the help of his dear mother, launched a bit of a social experiment.
His mum explained it well:

Invite all three, and set some cheese before them, and watch how they cut off a slice.

That’s the secret – it’s all about the way they cut the cheese – thanks, mum. It sure sounds stupid but actually it really worked for Larry.

The first girl came at the cheese like a goat. She ate the pretty much the whole thing, devouring both rind and cheese. This left Larry feeling a little bit scarred.

The second girl was better. She used the knife provided to cut off the rind. But she was too eager with the cutting. She ate a small amount but was so scared of eating rind that she let a lot of good cheese go to waste. That’s ultimately unforgivable.

The third girl – although not distinct from the others in traditionally romantic ways – was perfect with the cheese. She didn’t eat the rind and was therefore very classy but she also ate enough of the cheese to show that she wasn’t wasteful.

She was the perfect woman.  She peeled the rind off and cut neither too much nor too little. That’s the sort of thing that love is made from. And it’s summed up nicely by the mother in the story:

“Take the third for your wife.”

You can’t get clearer advice than that.

I really think the mother might be a bit of a jerk. But I can’t conclusively prove that. Because Larry went on to be happy and that’s important. Maybe this cheese test actually is the best thing in the world and the mum was being pushy for a good reason. Either that or she’s a maniac.

Read the full story and decide for yourself.

If you’re genuinely struggling to pick a partner, I can think of worse methods than the cheese test. It might not be very nice for the prospective partners but it’s a big concept. And I like big concepts. It’s inspired me.

Firstly, I now want to write a modern day movie adaptation of this story. Secondly, I’m going to use it to make money from the dating market.

Behold:

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Find a cracker.

 CHEESE DATING: find a cracker.

I’m still working on the branding…

It’s exactly like speed dating – 3 minutes per person – but it’s got the added dimension of a cheese board on each table. It allows a whole new level of judging. Impress your potential lover with your ability to construct a perfect cheese experience. One cracker per person each round – you’ve got to make it count.

Get involved in the cheese dating revolution. It worked for Larry and it can work for you too.

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