The best username that you can’t have


Me and Voldemort both must not be named… but for different reasons.

One of my biggest issues with the online world comes when I’m asked to give a username for something. Like if I join a forum about lizards, one of the first things they ask me is to pick a username that will be the first impression I give to all who I encounter.

This makes me feel awkward inside, as if someone is asking me to do a welcome dance for the Queen. In fact, I would sooner perform that dance than create a weird nickname for myself.

Because names say a lot about you and I’m really pleased that I didn’t have to pick my own. I just got given one that I could then adapt. I started out as Jonathan which I liked when I was 5. I also liked waistcoats back then so the whole Jonathan image fitted.

Then I became Jonny for most of primary school and I eventually stuck with Jon. If this trend continues I will soon just go by the letter J.

But I hate usernames because there are too many options and they are all difficult. I don’t want to use my own name because these are strangers I’m dealing with. So I have to create a new persona.

I don’t have a well used nickname like Clarebear. I don’t like taking famous people’s names like Sue Boyle. And I definitely don’t want to attract attention like Lord Vetinari or That guy. All these names are actually on the lizard forum – just so you know I’m authentic.

I hope you can see my troubles. But the bigger the problem, the greater the solution.

And so I came up with an option. Not too boring, not too showy, it keeps my anonymity and makes me feel proud to associate with it.

‘What’s the option?’ you ask

Well, it’s:

Flan Henderson

If you’re underwhelmed, that’s sort of the point.

Something about this name makes me happy inside. It sounds a bit boring because Henderson is a boring surname and names beginning with F are often a bit ordinary. But then it’s completely crazy because no one is called Flan. And what even is a flan? Some sort of desert I believe.

If you google Flan Henderson you come up with the best flans in Henderson so no one else is using this name right now.

Now Flan is my boring but weird alter ego that I hide behind when playing Fifa 13 online. He’s a versatile chap who sits comfortably with the sensible and the wacky. It’s the perfect name.

But you can’t have it. You need to think of your own because Flan is my best thing today. He’s not yours.

But I wanted you to admire him today. But don’t worry – I won’t leave you stranded.

Try this username generator to come up with something you’re happy with.

The best one I got was Dragonadministrator which is just really pleasing.

You can have that one if you want though because me an Flan are together for the long run.