The three best ways to kill the kittens


At some point you’re going to have to decide. You can’t hide from the question. Run, you may, but it will find you. It’s a certainty. You will be presented with a thought, a question, a riddle.

It goes like this:

There are three kittens – Sasha, Basher, and Francis. Each must be killed differently, at your own doing. With the contents of an average house and shed at your disposal, how will you make them die?

Things just got serious, right?

Well let me reassure you that this is a thought experiment. If you start actually killing kittens that will cause me a lot of stress.

Fortunately, thought crime is still legal in this country. (apologies to the logic police)

So indulge me for a minute. Think of your three ways. It says a lot about you as a person. Slow death or fast? Sensible or wacky? Brutal or loving?

This stuff is better than Myers-Briggs.

Let me tell you mine:

  1. Poison Sasha with generic poison in food [originally said paracetamol but that would actually be slow and painful].
  2. Drown Basher in the sink but listen to Beethoven to make it more pleasant.
  3. Combine my vacuum cleaner with my blender to make a killing machine. Use the machine on Francis.


    She knows what to do…

I am actually quite terrified of my own question. But not terrified enough to stifle creativity. I’m sort of a halfway house between sensible and crazy and I definitely want to give the kittens a quick death. That’s just me, folks.

But what’s interesting is that my lack of comfort with this question has increased as I’ve got older. Two years ago, option 3 would have perhaps been the mildest. I have in the past suggested a ‘chair leg on the kitten’s head – stand on the chair’ method. But I can only reference that now.

I’m getting old – in my mind. I felt I had to ask this question today, at 23, with a job and a wife. Because in 20 years time I might be asking questions like ‘What are your three favourite colours?’ or ‘How much porridge is too much?’

I don’t think that’s a bad thing though. Because colours are great and porridge quantity is important.

Also one day I might get a cat. Me and the said cat (probably called Peebles) will be sad together if we were ever to read this blog post.

You should feel free to share your three ways in the comments or on social.

Because the question is inevitable – it must be answered. If not now, it might find you at work or in a forest at night.

My one word of advice would be – try to answer it without looking like a complete lunatic.

I hope I’ve succeeded in that!