Steve’s best ways to avoid making enemies…at a gig

In life it is sometimes difficult to make friends.

There are certain social situations where there is almost no possibility of you making friends; these range from: going to the supermarket and playing solo Frisbee, all the way through to attending a corporate social event where you need to ‘mingle’ with clients; assuredly no friends will be made.

At which point, it is important that you try your hardest not to make enemies but to maintain a stranger ambivalence towards everyone. This way the peace will be kept and you won’t end up on anyone’s blacklist – not a particularly fun place to be!

And so I feel that it is my privilege, nay, my duty to inform you on how to avoid making enemies at a gig. Follow these simple steps and all you’ll be taking home is a skip in your step and a song in your heart, rather than an inconvenient black eye…

1) Move appropriately for the gig: this is an easy one to get wrong; if you’re at a heavy metal gig then mosh to your heart’s content, but creating a ‘circle of death’ at a Little Mix concert is definitely a no no. Pay attention to the front man/woman and dance accordingly – my favourite is the indie shuffle as shown by Benjamin Gibbard

Ben gibbard dancing

2) Don’t wear a bag: I made this mistake recently and it certainly is annoying for you and everyone around you. At the same gig there was a girl next to me who kept barging me with hers and I felt like saying, “Hey! I want to stand there but your bag’s in the way!” Then I shut up and swallowed my thoughts like the hypocrite I am…

3) Mouth the words or sing quietly: no-one wants to hear you – try not to ruin the gig for all in front of you with your off-pitch, monotonous tone

4) Ensure you use your phone at every possible minute: this is great – there is nothing I like more than seeing a gig through a phone. Photos are a bit sad because they only last a small amount of time and only block the band occasionally, videos on the other hand are gold – much preferable to being able to see the band properly 

photo (3)

I was trying to take a photo of this guy’s phone but unfortunately the band got in the way…

5) Don’t vomit: definitely don’t, not in the crowds. I’ve seen people move away from this as if it were the plague. Just try and hold it in, even if you’ve had too much to drink

6) Only go on shoulders when appropriate (hint: this is always inappropriate unless you are on the shoulders or are the shoulders): shoulder people at gigs are frustrating, there are no two ways about it. They get in the way, fall off and believe the whole experience was the best thing ever, for you and for them

Girl on shoulders

She looks like she’s having fun, that’s all that matters right?!

7) Don’t vomit: seriously! It’s grim!

8) Keep beer in the cups, in your mouth or in your belly: in the air, on my clothes and on my face aren’t acceptable places. On the plus side, this is certainly better than any bodily fluid – that’s no fun for anyone…

9) Leave at the appropriate time: you may only care about one song but it’s rude to leave early. Everyone will judge you and think less of you. Wait patiently until the lights come on and other music starts playing, otherwise there will always be an encore, no matter how many times the band tell you it’s their last song.

10) Don’t be tall: it’s really quite inconsiderate. And somehow, the tallies always manage to get to the front…it’s like a gravitational pull of some kind…

This man will somehow always be at the very front, in your direct eyeline

This man will somehow always be at the very front, in your direct eye line

Well I hoped that helps you to not make enemies at gigs and if I see you doing any of these then I’ll blacklist you. You’ll know you’re blacklisted because you’ll hear me singing it in an off-pitch, monotonous tone right behind you whilst pouring a pint of beer on your head.