Jon’s 5 best yoga positions to improve your life
Yoga is interesting to me. I particularly like that people give names to different body positions. It reminds me of pokemon battles. If I was ever in a fight I might shout downward dog, do the pose and then automatically win the brawl. I believe that’s what they call ‘street rules’.
Anyway, here are the 5 best positions to improve your life.
1. The mountain
This position is brilliant because it it actually just standing up. If you see someone standing straight maybe you should ask them how they know such good yoga… I do the mountain position everyday and it works a treat.
2. The chair
The chair is a classic move. It could have been called ‘The timid person diving into a pool’ but that is too long a name. It sort of looks like this ikea chair I guess. Anyway, should you ever need to poo in the woods – strike up the chair pose and you’ll have no problems.
3. The firefly
Well this one really speaks for itself. Nothing short of magic, this pose requires near super-human core strength and more flexibility than something very flexible. Pull this off and your life will be so good. If you fail, which you probably will, console yourself by watching Firefly or looking at this picture of a firefly.
4. The lion pose
Yes this genuinely is a thing. You kneel down, spread you fingers out as if they were cat claws, open your mouth really wide and stick out your tongue. Then you look like a lion or an idiot. This position is actually great for stretching your dignity.
5. The corpse pose
Yoga journal, the website I took a lot of these poses from, uses almost 500 words and the above picture to explain how to do this one. I think the picture’s all you need though. I do this position, or variations for up to 8 hours a day. I can’t live without it actually.
I hope after all that you are feeling like a yoga-master. Now there’s just about time for me to teach you some yoga battle plans for different scenarios:
1) Fighting a bear
Throw out a chair pose to show you mean business. Work that into a mountain and then when the bear attacks go to the corpse position before the bear puts you permanently in that position.
2) Worried about being mugged
If you’re ever meet a gang of yobbos in a dark alleyway just do the lion pose – but make sure you get the mouth and tongue right. It’s probably impossible to be mugged while looking like a crazy kneeling person.
3) Courting a lady
Lots of ladies love yoga moves but word is out that they particularly love the firefly. Do this at all times to become the ultimate lover.
That’s all folks – I hope you feel educated.