Steve’s 5 best ways to make your job sound really cool

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Look at all those fake small-talk smiles – isn’t networking fun?!

Once you have started working, nearly any social event you attend will feature the question, “so what is it you do?” by the well-meaning stranger with food on their face. You could respond flippantly saying, “I eat, drink and breathe. Probably quite similar things to you really” or the vague but almost philosophical, “I do life – won’t you join me?”

But what they are actually asking is, “where do you work? What’s your job title? And, am I a better human being than you because I earn more money?”, which can present a problem because your job is monotonous and essentially the same Excel filled nightmare as millions of other jobs.

In these situations, what you need to do is make your job sound really cool even though it’s definitely not. Hopefully these next few tips will help you along your way to a better, cooler and fake representation of yourself and your job:

1) Try to baffle them with your job title, change it if necessary – if they have never heard of your job then you’ve already got a foot in the door, feel free to lie outright once they inevitably ask you what it is you actually do. However, if people naturally think your job is cool from the title then there is no need to change it e.g. Astronaut or Bear Tamer

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The question is: has he tamed the bear or has the bear tamed him?

2) Be as vague as possible about your job – no-one needs to know that you spend 80% of your time responding to emails and the remaining 20% doing the never-ending dance between drinking your weight in coffee and the resulting toilet trips. Tell them only as much as is necessary – they will fill in the gaps themselves whilst making you appear mysterious

3) Remind them frequently that you know something confidential – you are bound to know something the layman shouldn’t, albeit a slight change to the Houmous packaging in Tesco, but it is still confidential. This puts power in your court and immediately makes your job appear to be of some importance

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“It’s going to change soon but I can’t tell you how – it’s confidential.”

4) Always mention any work you’ve done which affects their personal life – highlight to them that the road they walk on was drawn out by you, that your company designed half of the websites they frequently look at and that you brainwashed them through advertising into buying the clothes they are currently wearing. Suddenly an aspect of their life has become subject to you and they are thinking “WOW!”

5) Never hesitate to tell them you travel for work – this never fails to impress. For some reason, the fact that you sat on a grotty train, feeling sick, bored and sorry for yourself whilst you journey up to dreary Birmingham for 2 hours makes your job sound exotic. You know it’s rubbish but to others you’re a globetrotter! And vitally, if possible, blurt out international travel whenever there’s any kind of lull in the conversation – this is your trump card and your job will henceforth be revered

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Wearing sunglasses whilst travelling for business also makes you look cool

I hope these tips help you to introduce intrigue and excitement into others’ perceptions of your work. Just don’t let on that there are vacancies at your work – you don’t want them uncovering your elaborate deception.

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