Steve’s 7 best ways to belittle a whiner

This looks like a terrible book, check out the subtitle

I have not read this book but, WOW, it’s already changed my life

Every now and then we all love a good moan: “it’s raining outside, I’m cold, why doesn’t anyone like me?”

But we all know those people who take moaning to an extreme and turn it into something of an art form, frequently altering positive occurrences into negative ones: “Oh no, not again, I’ve been given too much chocolate!”

Or even: “I have sooooo much money I just don’t know what to do with it!”

Or my classic moan: “I hate that I can’t put any weight on” – say this one in a room full of dieters and prepare to have eye knives thrown in your back.

So how do you cope with a Moaning Millie? To help you along the way I’ve come up with a few, by no means, successful ways of attempting to fight the fickle…

1) Repeat their moans in an even moan-ier tone – they will realise how they sound and apologise profusely (or build up hatred towards you for making light of their misery)

2) Keep telling them that you love them and asking them: “isn’t that enough” – this will make the moaner feel bad and give you something to moan about in response if they tell you that your love isn’t enough

3) Draw them whatever it is that they are moaning about – if they’re cold, draw them a sweater; if they’re thirsty, draw them some water; if they’re whining about being fat, draw them some lettuce. This step will be sure to stop them moaning as you can point out that they now have what they need

4) Always outdo them – never admit to a moaner that their life is hard, this only adds fuel to the fire. Instead, whatever has happened to them, it has happened to you 10x worse. For example, if they’ve twisted their ankle then you’ve broken yours; if their cat died then your 20 year old seeing eye-dog, who helped you to also overcome depression, died (this still works if you’re not blind, just claim that you cope really well)

5) Ensure they know that their problem is a first world problem – bringing up those in extreme poverty always puts things into perspective with the subtlety of a giant cod being slapped in your face. They will soon realise that McDonald’s running out of chocolate milkshakes isn’t actually the end of the world

6) Be overly sympathetic – even shed a tear if you’re capable

7) Punch them

Inevitably, these will have varying degrees of success, although I’m not entirely sure which ones will work the best.

If you do try any of them then please let me know how they worked and if you can think of any more then just pop them in the comments.

Who knows, because of this, we may remove one Whining William from the world, I would view that as a win…