Steve’s best form of “cyber attack”

Luxury toilet

When I first read this headline on the BBC website, it didn’t worry me in the slightest – myself not being in possession of a luxury toilet, I felt like it wouldn’t affect me. But, on closer reading, I realised quite how terrible this situation is.

As I read the subtitle, the truth dawned on me that we are no longer safe:

A luxury toilet controlled by a smartphone app is vulnerable to attack, according to security experts.

If a man or woman is no longer able to use the luxury of a toilet in safety then what dangers lie ahead?! What capabilities do these cyber attackers have?! What terrible terrible damage can they do?!

As it turns out, not a lot…

the Satis toilet includes automatic flushing, bidet spray, music and fragrance release.

What?! BBC news website you definitely scare-mongered me with that subtitle. I was picturing toilets electrocuting their users, hacking into internet bank details and, finally, taking control of the home. But all the harm it really can do is to play ABBA (perhaps this should be taken more seriously) whilst spraying little jets of water at you. I was initially slightly disappointed.

However, I swiftly readjusted my thinking, and quickly saw the amazing hilarity of this cyber attack, the ease with which this attack was possible and the fact that the BBC had just told me how to sabotage the toilets of the super-rich. This is certainly a prank which many a neighbour can get mileage out of, it’s pretty much their duty to society.

So please, please, please “cyber attack” anyone you know who may own this toilet, I know I would. Unfortunately I don’t live in a land where people are willing to spend money on a computerised toilet instead of purchasing approximately 191 Dave the Funky Shoulder Monkeys, but I’m sure some people do.

That’s the ultimate dream: to be surrounded by a monkey army, all dancing in time to Waterloo, contemplating my next purchase of a talking bin. That’s when I know I’ve made it.